Wow, after all this time I wanted to select your number from my contact list and talk to you. I wanted to call you while I was barrelling down the freeway homewardbound. Chuckle with you over my days flows as I hit the Emeryville bottle neck and listened to the hyper beats of 92.7.
You know I can't remember your number. I haven't dailed it in years...closer to a decade. I guess that's why I thought of punching the flatscreen of my cell to select "MOM" under contacts.
Out of all the form and structure I saw you smiling into the reciever and saying "I'm glad you are well...you were scaring me for a second. You are always fine aren't you?"
Mom, I'm not always fine. Sometimes I'm doing so well that I don't question a moment, a breathe , a glance. Sometimes my mind concaves into a sinkhole of impotent rage. These moments are fewer and farther between. You proably have been noticing that, huh?
The dreams I had of my life as a kid have crumbled. It doesn't work for me to diminish myself because I haven't become a rockstar staring on my own tv show with my own line of soap products. So I don't have a pet lepoard or giraffe- I'm an interesting being.
Yea, I know Mom, I can be anything if I put my mind to it. I'm getting clear about what I want to put my mind to...what is the it for me?
On a whole other subject? I haven't seen Ran in a longtime. It's like hanging out is prevented by a whole lot of unsaid debris. I'll call my little brother tomorrow to say hello.
And before you ask...the new relationship in my life is me. Things are looking up.
Well Mom, I'm glad I wrote this. I will write again soon.
Love,
Psalm