Mmmm, was standing outside looking at the cars pass and found myself worrying about things, analyzing them. And then I thought, there's not much to worry about really. I worry a lot about being able to keep my job, whether I'm financially safe, how I appear to people, and a whole list of etc.s. Don't worry about any of it, cause I'm here right now. I'm pretty ok. My dad has become an expert at this. He doesn't worry about anything anymore (except maybe myself and my brothers), not his work, not his house, it appears that he worries about nothing. I want also to be such a warrior.
Maybe I'll start talking like I'm a badass now..."Nothing can get me down". Why not? Well, cause it's really not true. I always found people who talk like nothing bothers them were overly....something or other. I guess I just didn't believe them. So, can I say, "nothing can get me down". I can say it. Is it true? Probably not.
So what is true? Right now I feel nothing can get me down. I have, for the moment, a perspective that I like. How can I keep that perspective? Take a blind leap of faith and assume it's true until proven otherwise? That seems like one way. But that's scary because it's liberating, but at the same time, vulnerable. I could be proven wrong.
But all new beliefs are vulnerable in this way. Somehow, going through life; however, our perspectives do change. Why? Because we adapt naturally. Can I adapt at will? ... Why not...
Because I need some reason or evidence to prove that the adaptation is true. Some people are really good at going with the flow, trying things out, failing and succeeding. I approach with caution and investigation. Maybe cause I've been let down before, or maybe because I'm an analytical thinker. I like to figure out why and how things work. What purpose does this serve? It provides a certain level of comfort and control.
Sometimes I wonder if I want this control. Part of me wants to give it to someone else...a person, or God, but I don't really know who or what God is. So who should I give this to?
A liberating idea is that it's completely up to me. Like a gem covered key that I can give to whomever I choose.
It needs to be someone I can trust. A lover perhaps? Maybe that's my role, I don't know yet. A family member? Don't think I want that. I think that maybe I need to find a way to give it to myself. Maybe I should love and trust myself enough to take the key. It's a heavy weight to bear though, and I don't know if it will work. Maybe I'll sculpt a key, and make a box in which I'll carefully lay that key. I'll then put the box somewhere safe, where it won't be bothered. I'll take it out from time to time, and ponder it.