Goodbye 2006, Welcome 2007. Another year and another list of resolutions I plan to keep but never do. It seems like at the end of every year I always have a "Resolutions List" burning party. For all intents and purposes, all good of course, I want to stick to my resolutions this year. Who doesn't? So this year I wrote my resolutions list in cyber stone and plastered it on my web page. It's an added incentive to keep my promises to myself. If everyone in cyberspace can see and read about my progress, it will keep me on track. I hope??
Resolution Number 1: quit smoking. The other evening I was at home watching television when I happened on the Discovery Channel. I turned just in time to see the effect of cigarette smoke and the lungs. How the smoke sucks all the moisture out of it and leaves it hard and black. Some guy was squeezing what looked like cottage cheese from a damaged artery. In between my mom yelling, "EWWWWW", the phone ringing, and my heart skipping two beats, I dropped my damn cigarette onto my lap burning a small hole in my jeans and scarring my thigh. I figured this was God's way of sending me a messenger pigeon with a note attached to its beak. Stop smoking! OK, OK, I get it, I get it. I will try again this year
Resolution Number 2: get a job at a high ranking security firm in Manhattan. The fact that I have no experience whatsoever in the security field has no bearing on completing my mission. My goal this year is to help protect the United Stated from all terrorist threats, both foreign and domestic. I just have to find a way to maneuver from my bartending gig at Bulls eye to making sure the world is a safe and better place to live.
Resolution Number 3: lose twenty five pounds. Honestly I have no idea where all the fat came from. One evening I went to sleep and the next morning it was there just riding my belly, my cheeks and other places you shall not know about just yet. The fat just moved right on in; bringing with it relatives, their kids and the family dog. You want to know something? It took me a few months to realize that my jeans were too tight and I looked like a walking cupcake from the waist down. If you don't know, cupcake is girl slang. It's when the fat on the belly and the back hangs over the waistline of your jeans, giving it the 'top-of-the-cupcake' look.
Resolution Number 4: find a boyfriend. This is the most important of my resolutions considering I haven't played hide the salami in well over a year. I want a boyfriend. A full fledged hold my hand in public/take me to the movies/tell me I'm right when I'm wrong/fix my flat tire/letting me watch How Stella got her groove back, Beaches and Fried Green Tomatoes consecutively on Monday night without bitching that its Monday Night Football/tell me I look skinny and pretty all the time/love me for me boyfriend. If the person I'm looking for doesn't exist, then I'll take someone to play hide the salami with until he does show up.
This year will be different because I've got a contingency plan. I've enlisted the help of some of the best therapists and counselor’s money can buy. For my smoking, I've have Nicorrette gum, Nicoderm the Patch and an herbal tea called Smoke be Gone. The guy with the red shirt at GNC in midtown swears by it. He says it helped him quit and it's the reason he packed on another 20 pounds, but that's a topic for later. I have decided to give it a try even though as I was leaving the GNC store, I heard him yell to his supervisor that he was going on his smoke break. I saw an infomercial on the Patch and the tea so that should be good enough. By the way, I had the tea this morning and, like advertised, it tastes like jasmine flavored mulch.
For my high ranking position at a top security firm, well I'm still working on that. I haven't got it all figured out yet but I do have a lead: a solid lead. Sandra heard from Andrew who heard from Dawn who heard from Lilly who heard from one of her friends at church that one of the ol' fogies that patrons Bull eyes on Friday nights (the night I work), is H. Schell. Schell happens to be a director of the TOP cyber fraud security firm in Manhattan. I have never met Schell and couldn't pick him out of a Depends commercial if I had to. I hear he's about 5'8, 180 pounds, bald head, wears glasses and dark suits and has a penchant for red ties. Since this describes practically every old guy that comes into the bar, I will have to rely on my women's intuition to figure out who Schell is. Third hand news sucks, it leaves out all important information.
As for my weight loss, I've enlisted the help of Bally's and its core of red shirt and black sweatpants wearing trainers. Yes I've done the impossible and signed one of their contracts that would require you to give them your first born if you break it early. Last, but certainly not least, my two best friends Sophie Kendall and Rene Cook have taken a blood oath to find me a great loving wonderful boyfriend, potential husband material or just a really great tickle pickler. But before we get to this I forgot to tell you something important. My name's M'ah, pronounced Emma. I moved to New York City 20 years ago from a small island in the Caribbean: the one with more beautiful beaches than Heffner has girlfriends. The City has been good to me so far. It has seen me grow, seen me fall, seen me laugh and seen me cry.
These are my stories...see you next week.. M'ah!